Laughter erupted and then much later came a parade of tears! A whole lot of emotions are often experienced when I’m with my friends. When God divinely orchestrates your connections, there is safety in the vulnerability shared. Sometimes in these friendly intimate gatherings, we encounter God’s Presence so immensely that His Spirit sends a Word that only can be attributed to God Himself. How my friends know what to say and speak the truth of God’s Word with such compassion and conviction is encouraging, affirming, inspiring and so much more. 

The irony of this recent encounter with my friend and her husband was that I stopped by to pray for them, wish them well, and help with any final packing as they were planning for their relocation out of state. Yet, what I received was a spiritual therapy session! And we didn’t pack anything!

As we all answered the familiar “How are you doing?” question, the real fears and frustrations in my heart concerning life’s next steps were released. I started by saying that I needed prayer for anger. I realized that some heart work was still needed. To my surprise this also included the work I thought I had already done. I discovered that I needed to adopt a Biblical language for what I’d been experiencing. It’s not that I hadn’t been honest with myself about what I was dealing with in my prayer life, but I had failed to call the emotions and behaviors what they were completely. 

• I wasn’t just burned out, I was empty.
• I wasn’t just tired, I was weakened and exhausted from the fight.
• I wasn’t just frustrated, I was angry.
• I wasn’t just disappointed, I was entitled and prideful.
• I wasn’t just desiring to be respected, I was self-righteous.

More conversation ensued. I spoke about so many plans that had gone awry with my financial goals and time off work. I had what I needed, but I wanted to tackle some of the tasks more aggressively. I wondered about whether or not I’d experience rest in God with everything going on. Things kept popping off left and right. I was feeling robbed of rest again.  

My friends were so patient and gracious with me. They let me recite my best rendition of a Shakespearean sonnet of Jamie’s woes for several minutes. I had not even realized how long. Then my friend’s husband made a statement that caused an immediate halt to my verbalized rumination, referencing my disappointments and anger as accusatory towards God. I thought to myself,  I wouldn’t dare accuse God, would I? Well it certainly was not my intent. However, an entitlement continued to surface from my monologue.  It was givin’ Pharisee¹. As I shared more, I learned that I had made some accusations of God based on my expectations of how my struggles looked and the disappointment that had followed as a result.

The weird thing is that it wasn’t an obvious faith or trust issue for me, I don’t think. In fact, I knew God would take care of me. I had no doubt, still don’t. I also knew that His Sovereignty wasn’t in question either and I trusted He has allowed what’s been happening for a reason. 

Yet, the questions remained:  But why this way? You promised me rest, God? Where’s my rest? Tell me what to do and I’ll do it. Am I in the way? What have I contributed to the wash-rinse-repeat cycle of exhaustion? Why more work and responsibility?

My friend’s husband so graciously reminded me of the real things I deserve. Not just me, but us all. Based on my fallen state of sin, I don’t deserve what I actually have; I deserve hell and death². But by God’s grace and faith in Jesus Christ, I’m given eternal life and so many blessings on this side of Heaven².  The reality is, I had some unrealistic and ridiculous expectations of God. I had to be reminded again that my suffering, pain, challenges, are still opportunities to grow in the wisdom of God³ and for Him to reveal more facets of His Character and Nature to me in the midst of it all⁴. 

God can do all things⁵. God will do all He has said⁶. He cannot lie⁷. Anything He has promised He will fulfill⁸. But He will do it His Way⁹. God is great and Sovereign¹⁰.

I don’t have the right to dictate what that looks like or the timing it involves. I need only to submit and be obedient…

• In the waiting¹¹
• While I’m weak¹²
• When feeling empty¹³
• In the disappointment¹⁴
• When my plans fail¹⁵.

What about the Biblical language, Jamie? I’m glad you asked.  Addressing things Biblically gives me the accurate perspective to properly address and name my sense of injustice, my unrealistic expectations of God and people, so that my heart can be clean and pure. Addressing things Biblically also means I handle things the way God says to do so. I have to assume the right posture before God.  God owes me nothing. As saints of old would say, “If He never does another thing for me, He’s already done enough.” More than enough, I’d say.

Reflective Moment: I’m leading by example with this assignment. God (through my wonderful friends) confirmed what my spiritual homework was. Writing and making a list of what I’m angry about, what disappointments still hurt in this season of life for me, and repenting for questioning God’s Justice in what He allows in my life and where/how He is leading me were my next steps.

If you’ve ever had some questions about God’s Justice in your life, consider a similar practice of journaling out your thoughts and then bringing them in prayer to God. 

Christian Mindfulness Exercise: Notice your thoughts. Identify any self-criticism, unfair judgment of self or others. Reframe by applying the Word of God. Then be obedient to what God tells you to do next.

Footnotes: ¹ See Luke 18:9-14 ² See Romans 6:23 (see full chapter for context) ³ James 1: 2-5, 12-15, 19-20 ⁴ Job 42:1-5 ⁵ Job 42:2, Jeremiah 32:17; Matthew 19:26 ⁶ Joshua 21:45; Luke 1:37 ⁷ Numbers 23:19; Titus 1: 1-3 ⁸ Isaiah 55:11 ⁹ Job 42:2 ¹⁰ Psalm 104 ¹¹ Psalm 27:14 ¹² 2 Corinthians 12:10 ¹³ John 3:30 ¹⁴ Psalm 42:11, Romans 8:28, Philippians 2:12-13; Hebrews 10:35-36 ¹⁵ 2 Samuel 22:31; Psalm 18:30