I had been in prayer for some time about feeling angry. You may have gathered that a bit in my previous posts. In all fairness, I had made some really great strides— at least that was my perspective until… I was behind the wheel and I uttered a name referencing the slower driver in front of me! I did it, y’all! I had called them a ….  moron. It wasn’t nice, it certainly wasn’t productive or godly. I had a decibel level just above an acceptable library volume. No one heard it, but me — and God of course. But what it represented in the moment for me was that some frustrations were still present in my heart.

 “For out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.”¹ I realized something as I decided to put on some worship music for the rest of my commute to work and started to pray. The beginning of my prayer went a little something like this… I did it again, God. I’m sorry. There’s something still there. I thought I had a better handle on things. I need Your help. Please reveal the impurities in my heart so I can rid myself of this. 

As I continued to pray and vent, I realized that I was angry at responsibility. I know that probably sounds a bit loo-loo, but stay with me on this. I’d like you to ponder this for a moment. Do you find that you also suffer from anger or irritability generated by tons of responsibility? Just take a breath and let’s delve a little deeper.

As I began to process and reflect on how I was feeling in my prayer, I recognized that the things I was frustrated with were responsibilities that were unlikely to change or ones that God has called me to. Because I fancy a Type A personality, I like to feel in control of my circumstances and value independence and self-sufficiency. I have struggled in my faith walk many moons ago (and every now and then) with releasing things to God’s very capable hands. If I’m being honest, I despise group projects. I’d prefer to just rely on myself — win or lose, succeed or fail. If the sanctification process is becoming more like God, I have to let go of my pride. 

I have to lay down the need for control every time and come running back to His All-Sufficiency.

It is prideful to expect to handle everything on my own when God has called me to a total reliance on Him. It’s not necessarily a group project with equal say of its members, like the high school and collegiate groups I remember. You know, when you have to vote on the paper’s topic and delegate parts of the project to each member with set deadlines to present back to the group. With God, it’s about surrender and submission. There’s no vote! There’s a reverent and submitted stance— it is a personal decision based on trusting in the One who is Faithful and knows best. I could more easily recognize burnout from periods when I’m taking on things I shouldn’t or when I’m operating too much in my own strength. Those become red flags for reflection and opportunities to release, whatever I’ve taken back, to God again. 

Yet, as I began to hear the relevance in each song that Pandora “randomly” played². I needed a bit more discernment, so I asked God. How do I rest in You when what drains me is what You have assigned to me? It’s not as simple as just taking something off my plate, because all the tasks need to be there— Motherhood, Employment, Church service, This Blog, Managing my Health, Family and Friends, to name a few.  

Why Anger?, you ask.  Quick Side Bar: Lately, I had noticed that moments of intentional rest had been replaced by another version of work. Let me give you a couple quick examples.  Some months back, I was gifted with some clothes that were added to my wardrobe so I completely rearranged and organized my bedroom space to clear clutter. I had spent several hours cleaning up and straightening up the space, only for the closet racks to collapse just a couple of weeks afterward. My father came over to reattach the racks to the closet walls and within 2 weeks they buckled under the weight again. 

Yet again, I took some time off work, but found a leak in my garage caused by a big enough gap in the roof to let some rainwater into my attic and behind my garage wall by default. The mental peace I hoped to have was now replaced with mental energy in finding a reputable company to repair this while praying it would not cost two arms and two legs. Meanwhile, clothes are still in piles on the other side of my bed and in the other bedroom. The first seemed simple, but it felt like a slap in the face. I know God has blessed me with homeownership. I know these things can happen, but when your cup is at a quarter tank of energy reserves, the effort required to manage seems to cost even more. 

Back to your unspoken question, Why Anger? I felt like the little bit of order, peace and rest I had was taken away— like whatever reserves I had gathered was seeping out of a pot with holes.

So my prayer continued after a brief pause from singing… I don’t know what is to come. I don’t have all the answers, but I trust You. I trust that either You’re allowing this or led me to this place in time. Furthermore, You’ll provide the financial resources of maintaining the house You’ve blessed me with, the energy to parent when I’m tired, the mental fortitude to help my patients and clients, and create the quieter moments of rest to get still in You.  I recognize I can’t do this in my own strength; I don’t have the desire to try. Please help me, God.

The Scripture came to mind: “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct thy paths.”³

As a therapist, I know that my anger is valid. As a Christian who also is a therapist, I know that focusing on my anger and why I may feel wronged will only lead to more non-productivity in my spirit and my heart. My anger is enriched when I don’t fully lean on God for the heavy lifting, when I attempt to act as my own defender. If I submit and trust, He’ll lead. I know this from past experiences. It’s time for me to lean back into God again. True rest awaits.

Personal Reflection:

If you’ve felt the same, I encourage you to pray your own prayer to God. Be honest. Tell Him the areas of your struggles or challenges. Ask for His guidance and wisdom. Specifically state your inability to do it on your own and your willingness to lay down your plans and will for His. Be silent in His Presence and pray in faith knowing He will hear you and give you direction for what’s ahead.

Footnotes:

¹ Matthew 12:34b, NKJV

² If you know me, you know that I believe The Holy Spirit works through my Pandora stations. 

³ Proverbs 3:5-6 KJV